warning: gratuitous use of words 'stretching', 'pushing' & 'limits'
Baby is coming in a few months. Some people drop their jaw when I answer "my fifth." It honestly doesn't feel like that many - I just have them one child at a time.
"And you home-school them all!? Are you crazy!?"
Perhaps - a little.
Every woman has to know her limits and I think most do. Perhaps it is more challenging for a woman to respect her limits and this is something I am learning to do. Respecting my limits with no guilt is most liberating.
When I told a friend I was sending my two sons back to public school for next year she said, "Good, they need that." She believes there is only one way to educate. Whether she heard me or not I had to at least try to tell her there are other options in education.
"I am not sending them back for their sakes. I am doing this for me."
If I were to put them first, then I would most definitely keep them home. I believe my home is a much better place to teach my children compared to the public system. I don't think public schools are bad - I have just learned for myself that there are better options available to me and I simply have taken advantage of them. However, I will have two babies come the fall and having Emma is challenge enough. I'm going to place all my focus on babies and let my sons go for a few years. It's all about me. I say so without reservation or shame.

I never apologize for making decisions based on honest thought and sincere prayer. It is true, my boys will miss out on self-directed learning - the content of their education will be structured by someone other than themselves, the opportunity to skip out of doors for a lesson with 'mother nature' will be replace by the routines of the classroom, 'play as learning' will be limited etc. However, they will be given other opportunities I couldn't give them at home. Their social contacts will more than double - they'll get to play school sports and join a larger community of extra curricular activities. Besides, any new situation provides opportunity for growth.
I am keeping my oldest at home. She has found her path and I feel by removing her from it would be a detriment to her progress. I don't believe that will be so for the boys.
My point is, it is important to respect personal limits - especially when you are the steward of children. I have learned that if I put other's needs ahead of my own I trip up, flounder, burn out and that doesn't do anyone any favors. If I push myself beyond what I have to offer what good am I doing?
Yes, I believe we are given strength in time of need. I believe that in desperate situations we discover reserves we didn't realize were there. I believe angels buoy us up. But - not when we are acting foolishly and not respecting ourselves. The martyr dies - that's why they call her a martyr. I don't think mothers are meant to be martyrs. Although we would face death for our families, I feel we are called to live for them! Living for our children means putting ourselves first so they have a chance.
A friend told me once that child birth is like coming to the edge of death and being yanked back. Very dramatic and although I've never felt this way, I can say I have yet to experience pain as bad as labor pains...and yet I am willing to go through it for the fifth time. I know my limits.
YOU are the expert in your home. Some people don't believe that. Some people think that is a dangerous thing to believe. Sigh. We have to learn to listen for truth. We know it when we hear it. I believe we know truth because we have come from truth. It isn't new to us. We recognize it. We don't say, "A-ha! I never knew that before!" We say, "A-ha! I remember now."
You know what is best for your family. If you feel that isn't true (and we all genuinely do) all we have to do is take the time to listen for truth. We know what is right for ourselves. We just need to take the time to listen.
How do you listen? Well, there are so many different ways and it's different for everybody. Some pray. Some meditate. Some take a walk. Some use stream of consciousness writing, some sit in nature, some pay attention to their dreams, some fast, some knit. I listen best in the shower - I think it's because I am relaxed there.
I think there is a step to take prior to listening. Seeking truth - study. I hope everyone has a reference of truth they visit daily. For me it's a book - a sacred book. (I am really trying to read daily but I don't always do it). But again, everybody is different. I have found that truth in the form of written works takes on an almost magic quality.
Sometimes our hearts will recognize truth before our brains do and those words will linger but we're not sure why. Then one day, when we're 'listening' those words jump out at us and we understand fully. We remember what we've always known. I find that magical. It's like Roald Dahl said,
"Watch with glittering eyes the world around you. Those who do not believe in magic will never find it."
If we believe in truth and that we can recognize it, we only need to open those glittering eyes (or ears) and see (or hear) it. When the Savior said, "Those who have ears to hear... " maybe he really meant, "If you are seeking truth, here it is." Watch with glittering eyes and believe in truth.
I think we limit ourselves when we don't. Oh dear, I'm twisting about in my thoughts, hope you can follow (hope I can follow). See, because as much as we have to respect our limits we also have to push them...but we can't push past our limits unless we believe we can.
So, that being said, am I going to keep my boys home and push my limits?
Nope.
You see, some pushing takes preparation time. I could have this baby now. I could push myself to do it. There are ways. If I did, this baby would probably die. Now is not the time to push. Now is the time to prepare for the pushing. Does that make sense?
We can recognize when the time is right to push our limits... there are ways - if you're a good 'listener'. However, often it happens to us. We are pushed by an experience, an event...sometimes it isn't pleasant. It forces us to some sort of action - it pushes us past what we think we can handle. Some people break - some don't. I believe that we are not meant to break but to stretch. Breaking is a choice -so is allowing ourselves to stretch.
Anyway, I trust in those experiences. They will come when I need them. If I'm not listening and I'm not pushing my limits when I need to - an experience will come along. I could bet on it. I don't need to push myself any more than is needed because something always happens to stretch me whether I'm consciously doing it myself or not. I need not worry about slacking...
Besides, I know when I am slacking. We all do. We just don't feel right. We feel 'off or 'bothered' - 'restless' or 'lacking'. Haven't we all been in that spot? As teenagers isn't that what we experience? Which makes sense, that's the stretching time - the time when we should be stretching our limits (and our parents). Oh no, I'm going to spin off on another thought...
This is key isn't it? In our youth we stretch our limits. But doesn't it seem like teenagers stretch the limits. Do you see the difference? Stretching our limits means stretching what we are capable of doing or handling for our betterment. Stretching the limits means stretching the rules or breaking away from the better for something worse.
I am thinking of Gold medalist Michael Phelps who was allegedly caught smoking marijuana. That is sad because he is a role model. However, what I found most devastating was in what he said about it, "I was acting in a youthful...way." Acting youthful isn't about breaking the rules. It is about breaking past our limits or comforts to become a better person. It's too bad so many people miss this truth- they don't see it. They believe youth is about rebellion - and so it is, to them.
Often we get ourselves in tough situations through our choices (like Phelps did) and we have to fight our way - or self correct - back from the 'gutter' (not saying he's in the gutter). We've all been there. Isn't this system remarkable? I mean really! Even by making mistakes we are given the opportunity to stretch past our limits. That is probably the way most people push their limits - through making mistakes and self-correcting.
Pushing our limits means growing, doesn't it? I mean, when body builders work out they have to literally tear their muscles to build them up. They have to push the limit of their body in order to become muscle-demigods (if you're into that sort of thing). But, of course, a rookie can't go straight to benching 850 lbs. He'd break something. He has to know his limits and push those limits a little at a time.
Okay, so where was I originally? Oh yes, I am putting myself first because I know and respect my limits. Like I said, I never apologize for making decisions based on honest thought and sincere prayer. I honestly believe you can't go wrong if you put those two together. It's just been my experience. Answers - truth - clarity may not always come right away but they come nonetheless. The key is to never stop listening - the key is to "watch with glittering eyes" and believe in magic.